


Highly Questionable

by shrift



Series: Yuletide Fanworks [21]
Category: Almost Human
Genre: Humor, M/M, Undercover as a Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 03:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8873752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrift/pseuds/shrift
Summary: "Did you get a full charge last night? Because your colloquialism program is being a dick."





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rivestra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivestra/gifts).



> Thanks for loving tropes!
> 
> Beta by Nestra.

John was getting his coffee when Detective Paul appeared at his elbow. "The Captain wants to see you."

"Did she say why?" John asked, and swore when he slopped hot coffee onto his thumb. He wanted to flick it in Paul's face, but restrained himself. Barely.

Paul shrugged. "She didn't say. But you're a fuck up, so… probably has something to do with that."

"Fuck off, Richard," John said.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Paul asked.

"No, I kiss yours. She seemed pretty hot for it last night," John said over his shoulder as he left the breakroom.

Detective Stahl passed him in the hallway, her eyebrow raised. "You do realize that you've also been spreading rumors that his mother is dead, right?"

Caught out, John grimaced and said, "Implying that I made out with a zombie. Excellent point."

"I think the point is that maybe you should stop talking about Paul's mother," Stahl said.

"I'll take that under advisement," John said awkwardly, and basically ran away from the conversation. Maldonado was in her office. John walked in without knocking and sat down. "You wanted to see me?"

"I did," she said, but didn't look at him yet. "I have an assignment for you."

John frowned. "Am I gonna like it?"

"You will not," Maldonado said. She paused in her work and focused her full attention on him. "It's an undercover assignment. We have a lead on unlicensed sex bots."

"Why don't we let Rudy do it," John said. "It would make his day. Hell, it probably would make his year."

Maldonado shook her head. "I disagree. He doesn't fit the profile."

"Then have him wear a face-maker," John said, because once he committed to throwing someone under the bus, he didn't like to back down.

"Look, John. Just do this operation, please. Do you want me to start making you pay for the MXs you've destroyed?"

"Go ahead. Put it on my tab," John said breezily.

Maldonado stared at him. It wasn't a good stare. It was her 'you're a god-damned moron, John Kennex' stare. He was pretty familiar with it. "You really have no idea how much those things cost, do you? You want me to garnish your wages? You'd be an indentured servant."

"Oh," John said.

" _Oh_ ," Maldonado agreed.

"What are the operation details?" John asked.

"Dorian will fill you in," Maldonado said.

"I'd be happy to," Dorian said behind him.

John startled. "Wait, what?" Dorian walked out of the Captain's office and John chased after him. "What the hell is going on? Dorian!"

"First things first, we need to get you a new outfit," Dorian said as he led them into an elevator. "Your sartorial choices leave something to be desired."

"Please tell me I'm not going to end up in pleather and eyeliner again," John said.

Dorian grinned kinda like the Cheshire cat. "I can promise you that. Unfortunately, we don't have time to do anything about your hair."

Indignant, John demanded, "What's wrong with my hair?" He reached up and patted his head to make sure the bed head he'd woken up with hadn't made a reappearance.

"I'm just saying it's questionable," Dorian said. "I question it frequently. This shouldn't be a surprise."

"Did you get a full charge last night? Because your colloquialism program is being a dick."

"Is it?" Dorian asked sweetly as they entered the parking garage.

"A bag of dicks," John said.

Dorian ignored him so smoothly that it made John even more aggravated. "We got a tip on a long con using unlicensed sex bots. Do you want to hear about it?"

John shut his eyes briefly and rubbed his temples to stave off the incipient headache. "Just tell me."

"It's a lonely hearts thing. People on dating sites looking for love. They meet someone who seems made for them, like a soul mate."

John was pretty sure he knew where this was going. "Shit, that's dark."

Dorian nodded. "The victims find out too late that they've fallen in love with a bot. The extortionists charge exorbitant amounts of money to 'keep' their soul mate if they want, and to keep their employers, family, and occasionally constituents from learning intimate details about their personal lives."

"How are we playing this?"

"I'm going to be horning in on their territory in an attempt to flush them out," Dorian said.

"And me?" John asked.

"My mark," Dorian said. He raised his hands and spun around in a circle. "Am I not perfect for you?"

John groaned and hung his head. "Why can't Rudy do this, again?"

Dorian made an incredulous noise. "After what happened last time? Besides, Rudy isn't attracted to men."

"And I am?" John asked, walking into it like an idiot.

"Aren't you?" Dorian asked.

John wanted to deny it. He really, really fucking wanted to deny it, but that was the insidious thing about synthetics, how they could detect things about you that you'd rather not disclose or discuss. There was nowhere to hide. "I hate you so much right now."

"But you do find me attractive, which is the most important part," Dorian said. "Now let's get you some new clothes. Also, I'm driving."

John hesitated for a long moment, then tossed Dorian his keys and slumped in the passenger seat. "Congratulations. You've broken me."

Dorian look delighted beyond all measure.

* * *

When they walked into the club, John couldn't really tell it apart from the Albanian joint, with its flashing lights and thumping bass, and music with no lyrics. Personally, John thought it sounded like a robot going through a nervous breakdown. The light fixtures looked like giant dildos and there was a portrait of what looked like George Takei in stained glass behind the bar.

He smoothed his hand down his front, and said, "I still don't understand why I'm wearing a waistcoat."

"That's why you shouldn't be allowed to dress yourself. Shall we sit at the bar?" Dorian asked. He put his hand on the small of John's back and guided him through the crowd. When they sat, Dorian's knees bumped against John's thigh.

"I'm not sure how to act," John leaned in and confided quietly. "It's been a while since I've been on a date."

Dorian eyed him. "How would you act if it were Valerie sitting next to you?"

"You've seen how I act. Like a god-damned idiot," John said.

"Maybe try to be the person you were before the ambush. I'm reliably informed you were… charming," Dorian said.

"Yeah?" John asked, intrigued. "Who told you that?"

"My sources choose to remain nameless."

John waved over the bartender and ordered a whiskey. Dorian asked for something in Korean, and a lurid red cocktail arrived in a tall glass.

"You gonna tell me who I am, yet?" John asked once the bartender was out of earshot. "You're playing this op a little fast and loose."

"I changed Dr. Richard's dating profile to 'currently seeking M4M' and described him as a grumpy size queen and a power bottom," Dorian said. He sipped his cocktail through a straw and smacked his lips a little.

"Oh, god," John said. "Please tell me you're lying."

Dorian took another sip of his cocktail. "Of course I am. It's very easy to fuck with you, John. Actually, I analyzed what little we know of the potential victims, scoured the internet for their dating profiles, and made a composite profile for you. He's a nicer person than you are, so try not to be an asshole."

John cleared his throat. "I'll give it a shot."

"Just follow my lead," Dorian said. Smiling, he put his hand on John's thigh and squeezed. Real high on the thigh. Uncomfortably high.

"Getting a little fresh on the first date."

Because he was the devil, Dorian said, "Who said it was our first date?"

"Nobody's listening to us, right?"

"No. There are teams standing by if we need assistance, but we're on our own right now."

"Thank god," John said, because the retaliatory hazing from his colleagues would have been brutal.

Lights over the bar flashed, then the sound system thundered and smoke poured out the vents. The lights went out and suddenly waiters appeared with trays of drinks glowing blue. Dorian took one and tried to hand it over to John.

"What's in it?" John asked dubiously.

Dorian dipped his finger in the liquid. "It's a gin and tonic."

John accepted the drink. "I think I got used to the disco lights. It's weird when they're not there."

"I'm going to kiss you now," Dorian said. "Try to look like you're enjoying it."

The kiss started out sweet, but turned dirty really fast when Dorian sucked on his lower lip. John tilted his head and slid closer, and Dorian took that as an invitation to push his tongue in John's mouth. He'd thought making out with a robot would be weird, but Dorian's lips were pretty amazing. John hadn't kissed anyone like this in a long time, unhurried but focused. He only pulled back when someone jostled his elbow while trying to get the bartender's attention.

"So how'd I do?" John asked.

Dorian did a slow drag of his eyes down John's body, clearly noticing John's heart rate and the bloom of sweat. He smirked.

"Shut up," John said.

Dorian excused himself to go to the restroom, which was code for covertly casing the joint. John sat by himself at the bar for moment until the person sitting next to him spoke up.

"You got yourself a cute one," he shouted over the music. The guy had what probably was a very fashionable haircut. It was asymmetrical and sort of swooped in the front. John hated it.

"Yeah, he's gorgeous," John said. He took a sip of his drink and decided to double down. "I think I'm in love!"

"Congratulations?"

John tried not to smirk. "I'm just worried, you know? I think he might have a tiny dick."

"Whoa, okay," the guy said. "I don't think I'm drunk enough for this conversation."

"I mean it's not the end of the world. I'm sure you can live a long and fulfilling life with a micropenis," John said.

The guy sitting next to him craned his neck and said, "He doesn't walk like he has a tiny dick."

"Yeah," John admitted, watching Dorian approach from across the bar. He turned back to the guy he'd been talking to only to find the barstool empty. John scanned the club and saw the guy sliding into a barstool as far away from John as he could get.

"I told you to be nice," Dorian said as he sat down. He casually leaned in and kissed John.

John licked his lips. "Find anything?"

"Nothing inside the bar, but a man approached me and asked to meet my maker. I arranged a time. We have a unit tailing him now."

Distracted by Dorian's mouth, John asked, "Not taking him in?"

"I think that would be premature. We should continue the operation until we know it's a solid lead."

"Can we at least leave now?"

"Only if you drag me out of the club like you're about to have your wicked way with me," Dorian said.

"Deal," John said and tapped a bitcoin against the bar to pay their tab.


End file.
